By Doris Tarbutton
March 4, 2005
I firmly believe there is a correlation between what we see in the physical and what is happening in the spiritual realm. There is no reason to exclude sickness or infirmity from this correlation.
A year ago when I had the annual well-woman check-up everything was normal. However, the way in which the mammogram was conducted caused me to vow to not have another exam or mammogram. I was angry and rebellious against this diagnostic tool. I continued with this attitude of stubbornness for almost a year. The Holy Spirit, however, knew the vow must be rebuked and a compliant spirit must replace the rebellion. The change was orchestrated by Him through recognition of the foolishness of the vow, repentance and cleansing. However, the rebellion gave an opening of weakness in my spiritual armor and the enemy took advantage of it. I believe the consequence of the sin of rebellion was the formation of this tumor. It is remarkable that it was hidden, silent—I never experienced pain from it—and grew in darkness but the Lord put a limit on it.
I am reminded of the limits that Jehovah put on satan as he came to accuse Job and to attempt to destroy him.
“The LORD said to Satan, “Very well, then, everything he has is in your hands, but on the man himself do not lay a finger.” “The LORD said to Satan, “Very well, then, he is in your hands; but you must spare his life.” Job 1:12; 2-6
I believe that my loving Lord Jesus allowed this tumor to grow, but only to a point. What was meant to ultimately destroy me would be used to bring glory to Jesus! In the end, that is what happened with Job.
“After Job had prayed for his friends, the LORD made him prosperous again and gave him twice as much as he had before.” Job 42:10
Job learned valuable truths about God through his experience; I will do the same.
What does the large size of this growth signify? That is another question I have pondered. I believe it grew to a size that would require significant surgery and healing by my Master, Jesus, for His glory. I think it also represents the growth of consequences when we hang onto our sins—in this case rebellion and stubbornness. Scripture says that “rebellion is like the sin of divination, and arrogance (stubbornness) like the evil of iniquity and idolatry.” 1 Samuel 15:23
Scripture also makes it clear that rebellion and stubbornness are two things that God hates. They both cause the heart to be lifted up against the Lord. In the beginning the rebellion seems like a small thing, easily pushed aside and forgotten. There comes a moment of reckoning for that sin. My Savior is gentle, but His holiness is like a refining fire in my innermost being. That sin and its consequences must be dealt with severely and completely. This was born out in my experience. The surgery was severe and complete. I believe the fact of the tumor being 100% benign is evidence of the limiting power of the Father in all things, large and small; hidden and seen. A principle at work here was that when the tumor was discovered it was no longer hidden but in the light. Once in the light it must be dealt with promptly. The Lord chooses the timing for this to happen.
What am I to learn about suffering for His glory? I learned a profound truth about suffering for the glory of God—the Holy Spirit chooses the person, the circumstance, the time, the place, the people to be influenced, every detail is of His doing. Along with choosing the person comes understanding of what is happening and at least in part, why.
Two Scriptures became important at this point in my learning curve: “Therefore, I urge you brothers, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual act of worship.” Romans 12:1
“Going a little farther, he fell with his face to the ground and prayed, ‘My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will.’ “He went away a second time and prayed, ‘My Father, if it is not possible for this cup to be taken away unless I drink it, may your will be done.’ “So He left them and went away once more and prayed the third time, saying the same thing.” Matthew 26:39, 42, 44
Romans 12:1 is a Scripture that resonates intellectually, but not by experience until you are called on to be a living sacrifice. The Holy Spirit made it clear to me that I was to fulfill the commitment I had made to Him so many times: “Lord, I am willing to be a living sacrifice for your glory. It is an act of worship.” It is well to note here that making a vow to the Lord is a serious matter and will be called to account at some point. Be very careful what you promise! I did take comfort in my being a living sacrifice for His glory! I began pondering and questioning what this would mean in this circumstance. Being a sacrifice of any kind will mean suffering. That was another commitment I had made many times before: “Lord, I am willing to suffer for Your kingdom, for Your glory.”
“But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things…I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in His sufferings, becoming like him in his death.” Philippians 3:7-10
I had prayed that Scripture so many times, not knowing how or when or why I would be called upon to be a living sacrifice to suffer in fellowship with Him for His glory. Now I was experiencing and finding out what those Scriptures really mean in my life and service to the Lord.
As I meditated on Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane I focused on an important principle: Jesus honestly asked what was His deepest request of the Father, but was willing to totally surrender His own desires to the overarching will of the Father. The principle is this: I have the right as a child of the Father to honestly bring my deepest request to Him but I must totally surrender my desires and will to His will in the matter.
Many people joined me in requesting complete miraculous removal of the tumor without surgery. That was my cup. Even as I was anointed with oil and prayers were said over me the request was still the same– complete healing without surgery. However, that was not the plan, nor would it have fulfilled the total purpose of bringing the most glory to the Lord.
I had to follow my Lord Jesus’ example in the Garden; I had to genuinely relinquish my will to the more important will of the Father. A Psalm I had memorized earlier was in preparation for this decision:
“ Lord, you have assigned me my portion and my cup; you have made my lot secure. The boundaries have fallen for me in pleasant places; Surely I have a delightful inheritance.” Psalm 16:5-6
It is the Lord who assigns us our place in His kingdom and gives us meaningful spiritual work to do for His glory. His plans and purposes are set in eternity. As He brings His plans along to completion I can be sure that the part He has assigned me is secure—it is for me to do, not someone else. I know from experience with Him that my willing obedience will result in multiple blessings for me and for many others. Indeed the boundaries of His grace are set in pleasant places; I can delight in Him.
Psalm 37:3-4 “Trust in the LORD and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart.” With this promise from the Father I can rest easy knowing that He has everything under His perfect control. He sets the boundaries for every area of my life, including how far satan can go in bringing infirmity upon me.
This same Psalm says 3 times “do not fret”. My faith is in the power of God, not doctors, nurses or medicine. I rest secure in the knowledge that the power that raised Jesus from the dead is resident in me as I am in Christ. (See Ephesians 1:18-21) Therefore, there is no reason to fret, to worry or be anxious about the cup and portion that has been assigned to me by the Holy Spirit. Indeed I have not “fretted” about the surgery, the possibility of cancer, the recovery. Jesus is my Peace and He keeps me free from those evidences of lack of trust and belief. His Spirit of joy is present even in the midst of this trial. Some have suggested this tumor and subsequent surgery was a test of my faith. I must testify that my faith in the power of God is at least as strong, maybe stronger, than when this started. He is completely faithful to who He is and therefore He is faithful to fulfill His promises to me. “Surely I have a delightful inheritance.”
This whole experience was a way to understand more fully the mystery of divine healing. It was my experience, others will have their own unique “object lesson”. I am so glad the Lord deals with each of us as individuals–He is truly a Personal Savior.
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